The last couple of days have been hard but it’s not because of the people around me or any physical hardship. Memories of the beginning of my time at the church that helped form who I am in my beliefs have been popping up. In my mind, that marks the journey of me learning how to love myself - something that I’ve struggled with all of my life.
Years of being told that I wouldn’t ever be good enough to be loved is really hard to overcome, but around 6 years ago he gave me a family who loved as a family should, and about 5 years ago, he gave me the first church family that taught me what it truly meant to love as Jesus did. They helped me to realize what it meant to love without judgement and to love because that’s what everyone deserves regardless of what they’ve done.
Days like this are hard - days when I remember the people that had such a huge impact on the growth that I’ve achieved over the last 5 years. It was a tough 5 years and it’s still not over. I still have days where I don’t believe I’m worthy of love. And not being around the people who helped me to get this far is hard. It almost feels as though I’ve left a part of me with them, 9,000 miles away and some days it feels like a part of me that I can’t get back.
Now God has called me to be here. To be that love that I was shown, to those around me. But he didn’t take away that love from me. I’ve been surrounded everyday by people that I couldn’t be more thankful for, people who never fail to remind me that they love me even when I’m being reckless, emotional, or outright ridiculous in my overthinking. As I stand in my current home church singing the promise ‘My god is faithful, his promise is true.’ I hold on to the words, because I know that He will pull me through every time.
If I seem distant or confusing, just know that it’s nothing you did. Some days are just tough and I don’t mean to transfer that to other people. I’m so thankful for each and every one of you in my life. And I want you to know that there is nothing you could do or say, you will always hold a special place in my heart. I love you.